How One “Negative” Emotion Changed My Life
For most of my life, I thought envy was a negative emotion, something to be ashamed of, or at least to keep hidden. But about a decade ago, envy led me to one of my biggest personal and professional breakthroughs.
It happened at an industry conference. I was sitting in the audience, notebook in hand, listening to a series of speakers. They were engaging, and I was jotting down ideas, but something inside me felt unsettled. I found myself noticing the little things: a missed hand gesture here, a story that could have landed with more power there, a speaker not quite using the whole stage.
At first, I wondered if I was just being critical or arrogant. But as I sat with the feeling, I realised it was something else entirely: envy.
Envy is a powerful emotional reaction, especially when you see someone excel at something you secretly wish you could do. In that moment, I realised what was really going on, I wanted to be up there, on stage, speaking to an audience. It was a longing to tap into my potential guided by my inner compass.
We’re often taught to demonise envy, to see it as a character flaw or a moral failing. But psychologists like Brené Brown, Alain de Botton, and Susan David have a different perspective. They argue that envy can be a useful signal, a compass pointing us toward our own hidden desires and untapped potential. Instead of shaming ourselves for feeling envy, we can ask: What is this feeling telling me about my aspirations?
Research backs this up. A 2018 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that “benign envy,” the kind that isn’t about tearing others down, but about wanting to improve ourselves, can motivate self-improvement and goal pursuit.
I put this idea to the test. First, I spoke at a Product Tank meetup in 2018. The following year, I took the stage at the Mind The Product annual conference at The Barbican Centre. Here’s what I discovered:
- I loved preparing my talk, thinking intentionally about the audience and the emotions I wanted to evoke.
- Delivering the talk felt like a flow state; twenty minutes flew by in what felt like two.
- The feedback afterwards was surreal: people shared how my talk made them feel, their key takeaways, and what they planned to do next.
Looking back, I realise that envy was never my enemy. It was a signal, an invitation to recognise my own aspirations and take action.
So the next time you feel a twinge of envy, don’t rush to push it away. Instead, get curious. What is it pointing you toward? What hidden desire or potential is it revealing?
Envy, when listened to with compassion and curiosity, can be a powerful guide on the path to self-discovery and growth.
Have you ever experienced envy as a signal? How did it shape your journey? I’d love to hear your story in the comments.