Lisa was at her desk, coffee mug on her left with her right hand on her mouse as she started to scroll through emails. She sees a surprise 15-minute meeting in her calendar for 10 am that morning. It was odd because it was only 15 minutes and secondly, because she didn’t recognise the names of the HR colleagues who invited her.
10 am comes around and they share that there has been a business decision to lay her off. She had all these thoughts going through her head:
- Why me?
- What have I done?
- How come my manager isn’t the one having this conversation with me?
- I’ve been performing so why wasn’t I given feedback and the opportunity to improve?
Despite her thoughts and feelings, these scenarios have happened thousands of times over the last 12 months with over 260,000 employees being laid off in 2023 according to Layoffs.fyi.
Most leaders struggle to have difficult conversations. Whether it is giving bad news, such as ending employment or addressing conflict, most leaders find it hard to have conversations. It is fair to say most people in and outside work avoid these conversations altogether. Why? It could be because they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings or because they fear what having this conversation could mean for them and their ongoing relationship. It is all about personal relationships.
Leaders struggle with having difficult conversations, the only way to get better at it is through deliberate practice. How could we make having these difficult conversations easier?
Introducing Perceptual Positions
It is easier said than done to step into someone else’s shoes to consider a situation from their perspective. This emotional intelligence is necessary to surface your assumptions, empathise with the person in question and practise before having a difficult conversation.
The Perceptual Positions exercise is taken from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). The goal is to enable you to consider the other person’s point of view about a situation. It should help have a more constructive conversation from a place of empathy and love to resolve.
Perceptual Positions Explained
The Perceptual Positions exercise allows you to look at a situation from three different perspectives:
- Your viewpoint
- The other persons
- An objective individual
- Then back through your viewpoint again
Step 1: Identify the Situation
Start by identifying a particular situation for which you need more clarity.
Step 2: Set up the Environment
Every coach may set up the space in a different way. The first time I co-facilitated a session with a mentor, I loved how she set up the room so I’ve adopted the same practice. I like to place two seats opposite each other.
Before we begin, I would explain each of the three positions to the participant, so they are clear on each position they will experience.
Step 3: First Position: Your Viewpoint
The participant sits in one of the seats and leaves the opposite seat empty. Here they will explain the context of the situation, its emotional impact, and its cost if unresolved.
As a coach, I would ask questions to understand how the participant thinks and feels about the person and situation. Questions to consider include:
- What makes it difficult?
- What do you feel in your body as you reflect on this situation?
- What emotions do you feel associated with this physical sensation?
- What is the impact on you if this situation remains unresolved?
- How do you feel when you see the other person?
- What thoughts are going through your mind as you see them?
When the participant has explored this, ask them to stand, shake off that first position and return to the present moment.
Step 3: Second Position: The Other Persons
I would ask the participant to sit in the opposite chair and assume the position of the person in question.
This time, ask the participant to answer the question now they have stepped into the other person’s shoes. As the above, questions to consider:
- What makes it difficult?
- What do you feel in your body as you reflect on this situation?
- What emotions do you feel associated with this physical sensation?
- What is the impact on you if this situation remains unresolved?
- How do you feel when you see the other person?
- What thoughts are going through your mind as you see them?
Step 3: Third Position: An Objective Individual
Here the person needs to stand up and look at both seats, acting as a fly on the wall. Having listened to both perspectives, the objective individual can share what they have heard as a neutral. Here you could ask:
- What did you observe?
- Do you think they are treating each other fairly?
- Is there one person more dominant than the other?
- How do you think the two people could meet in the middle?
- What advice would you give these two people to help them work out their differences?
Step 4: Back in Your Original Seat
At this final step, as a coach, you should ask the participant to re-frame and share how they now feel about the person and situation. Questions you could ask:
- What have been your learning and insights?
- Would these help you to your desired outcome?
- What will you do when you meet the first person next?
- What support do you need to achieve your desired outcome?
It is important to thank the participant for their courage in opening up in a vulnerable way and leaning into the exercise. As I debrief the participant I remind them that through walking through the three positions and re-framing their perspective, they are developing the capability to have difficult conversations through deliberate practice.